[11.9.24] [i hate my job but enjoy having money] - i am so fucking tired dude but insomnia has me in a death grip of near permanent sleeplessness (along with my several addictions but shush) im going through it. but ill make it. i always do. anywaaaaay i want a new job LMFAO. but job hunting sucks and ill never be able to do what i truly want to do, so peddling cheap slop food at a severe increase in price time! (i resent capitalism) you dont know how much strength it takes to peddle this shit man, i hate contributing to the piss poor nutritional value slop we're all forced to eat in america. i eat it too and feel shame for not only myself, but over the fact that i have to fucking sell this garbage to people on an almost daily basis. having this job has made me realize (it hit me like a freight train) that i do in fact need therapy LOL. more than anything i need CONSISTANT DAYS OFF IN A ROW! to be able to function AND to update this fuckin place!!!!! ive been meaning to work on my landing page but by the time i get off of work all i wanna do is get blasted and pass out, but the horrbile nightmares i have might end up helping me in coding more LMAOOOO (i am genuinely afraid of how vivid my dreams have become!) i wish i had natural motivation to do things outside of doing things for my own financial benefit, my wrists have been worn to hell from work so i can barely play my bass and draw before i just give up. which only breaks my spirit further. thats all ive really lived for before this stupid job, and now that THAT sense of control has been stripped from me, ive been falling back into my other bad habits like calorie counting. im hoping that with time ill be able to numb myself to my worklife, currently im suffering but we remain hopeful. without blind hope id be dead ngl LOL. so heres to hoping! and to the fireball i purchased!

[10.20.24] [im so fucking tired and SORE] - work has beaten me to a pulp to the point where ive had to buy wrist braces and i swear to god if this job makes it impossible for me to draw and play my bass im fucking quitting (i also dont get paid enough to put up with the bullshit i put up with, but we prevail) im kinda stuck for a few months but i should hopefully grow more physically used to the torment on my hands and wrists (at least i can buy booze and other fun goodies again) im still working on a landing page and other random stuff, ive just been so fucking exhausted from work by the time i get home i wanna do nothing but get fucked up and go to bed LOL. BUT IM TRYING TO BEAT IT! i havent actually drawn much because wrists hurt, but i can still play my bass a lil bit thank god, i go crazy without SOME form of art to do. typing doesnt make me ache exactly but i am defnitely a lot more sloppy than usual so i really really hope i can regain strength in my wrists or else ill explode (emotionally)

[10.13.24] [i am no longer super broke only kinda] - ive been living off of alcohol, weed and nicotine for the past few weeks and my wrists are fucking killing me!!!!!!!!!! (im going through it man) id say i cant wait for a break but im literally typing this on my last break for a WEEK (kill me now tbh) but ill do almost anything for money. i am super fucked up rn and have created my own wrist brace thing because id rather spend my money on substances rather than things that would benefit my life since I Do Not Give A Fuck About Myself (i need therapy but that shits expensive and like i said, id rather abuse substances) i wanna add a landing page to this cesspool soon to warn everyone of the minimal javascript usage and that i Dont Want Minors Around These Parts- otherwise im kinda outta ideas for this place :( my entire body hurts and i miss several family members of mine specifically my mom, i got a week of work ahead of me so ill be basking in the time i got left to be fucked up if you need me

[10.4.24] [im exhausted, drunk and temporarily broke] - first thought: three days grace is about to change AGAIN!!!!!! second thought: i am so tired and broke man LMFAO, i walk to and from work and work in the BEST environment for my type of undiagnosed insanity (i work in a deli) i need to be constantly busy and doing some type of action or i will die, i live to serve thats all i know how to do (i am fucked up in the head and was hurt as a child) ive used up the last of my money to aquire celebration drinks (i am an alcoholic) so i am technically broke until my paycheck clears (i am bummed about this but its understandable) job stuff slightly aside, ive been meaning to update my art page to include a sketchbook section since im gonna start bringing my sketchbook to work to doodle garbage on my breaks, so thats gonna be in the works :) the next big update will take a while because the time i get home im so wiped that i just get fucked up on whatever i can get my hands on and go to bed LOL. im gonna try to curb that with the sketchbook thing, its SOMETHING to keep me in check i think (perhaps) but otherwise the soreness of my entire body, ive been alright and am encouraged to try to better myself :) i say as im cracking open another drink LOLOLOL its just been a while since ive been here since ive been so busy, its a good kinda busy though, literally the exact type of busy i need to feel normal. if im not doing something, ANYTHING at all, i feel absolutely worthless and its awful. the busy-ness that comes with a deli is just what i need to feel like im actually normal to some extent and im so fucking grateful for it <3 its the best thing to ever happen to me ngl. i could complain about my identity rn but before i go on forever and ever, im gonna go try to relax lol. if you read this i hope you're having a great day/night/morning/evening whatever- i hope you're okay :)

[9.25.24] [im big dum dum] - ive lost a couple entries here because i forgot that i didnt update my file offline before doing a big update LOL, thats okay though, im just here to bitch and moan about not being able to find a job >:( im getting desperate man, anywhere i apply to im either outright ignored or turned down several days later (which is definitely suuuuuuuper encouraging to have happen every single time) one place i applied to they made me specify dates i could begin working so i was like The Next Fucking Day??? TODAY actually but whatever tomorrow then- i havent heard shit since!! i may just have to blow my head open and paint my surroundings with my brains, either that or get hired somewhere. but i feel like all of this is my fault for trying to explain my previous work environment I GOTTA JUST START LYING ABOUT IT my previous fuckheads i mean employers are gonna be fucking me over for as long as i live and they wont ever have to realize it. im so fucking frustrated, i understand that the world lacks the honor system and no one trusts anyone (i need to make a patch that says trust no bitch) but jesus christ man im not fucking lying about being fucked over, if i were lying I WOULDNT BE HERE ID BE WORKING FOR THEM STILL!!! im sooo glad that life is easy and that living under the american gov is super fun and cool, definitely beneficial to my life (1000% sarcasm. get me outta here.) im running out of entry level places to apply to thats how bad my struggle is, i might go kick the bucket instead. biden blast? nah son, shotgun blast! to my face!! so i guess im gonna go job hunting?? honestly dude i might have to fucking move and start a brand new life somewhere else, word spreads ungodly fast around here and im afraid that my name has been put in the mud by those fuckwads that employed me (if i ever find out they did to any degree im chucking molotovs at their business) im just so done with trying but i gotta keep trying so my family thinks im good mentally, im tired maaaaaan :(

[9.19.24] [new fidlar album out tomorrow] - im staying up all night and am going to chug my hard monster as soon as it drops I CANNOT FUCKING WAIT!!!!!! ive had the songs they've dropped off of it so far on loop in preperation and im gonna smoke some weed to pregame I AM SO EXCITED fidlar is one of the few reasons i live, their music has saved me through some dark times of my life and it continues to save my life as my stupid life continues lol. if i ever get to see them live ill be able to die happy but until then SAD KIDS LIKE TO PARTYYYYYYYY SAD KIDS LIKE TO PARTYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!! im gonna get high and draw while i very impatiently wait :3c

[9.19.24] [morning coffee #4] - ive been working on a bigger update but need to draw a LOT more art to be able to put it out T-T i wanna add more OCs to my OCs page but i have to draw them all LOL (ive lost a shitton of my digital art over the years from fried hard drives) i wanna try recovering those drives someday, but until then ill just have to draw up new garbage u-u the beatbox i got in the fridge is chanting my name i can hear it.. its like "jayyyyyy come chug meeeeee" okay!! ill be right there ;) (i took several Big Sips) now i gotta figure out what to focus on for today, drawing stuff, suckin ass at bass or fucking off to do nothing like yesterday again.. hmmm....im sure chugging more beatbox will help me decide LOL

[9.18.24] [morning coffee #3] - im gonna go to the local pet store with my dad later, my birdies need more fooooods!!! baby bird has the same habit that gumball had when he was younger, they both LOVE standing inside the fucking food dish to eat LOL (so twice the amount of mess is being made) i get them pellets and occasionally mix some seed into it, but most times its just straight up pellets and millet when they're good :) none of em really care for seed treat stick things but they all go wild for mineral blocks and millet (what bird doesnt go insane for millet though) so my shopping list for the day includes: get birdies more food, get birdies more millet, and get some more beatboxes LOL (BIRDS ARE FIRST!!!!) i know i caved and bought a couple a few days ago buuuuuuuuuut i do what i want!! and that is make mistakes!! i may be an idiot, but at least im not stupid!!

[9.17.24] [new fidlar album drops friday] - im like tweaking out waiting for the new album i cannot fucking wait to play it on loop until i die. thats it thats the post LMAO

[9.17.24] [complaining about being an awkward fuck] - i feel like i fucking suck at interacting with people LOL, its something ive always struggled with but only seem to struggle more and more with the older i get. lockdown fucked us all up huh, shit man i might be boned, i hope not but it might be joever for me socially. i also want some more drinks but dont really feel like walking to the gas station, i sure am thinking about it though lolol. ill just go play dont starve or something to distract myself

[9.17.24] [ciggie break (shit gets real)] - yummy cigarette LOL, im glad i dont date these by time of day :3c im working on a mini update to my music page to include bands and artists ive seen live and ones id kill to see live, so im reminiscing about the shows ive been to in the past while enjoying a ciggie (its almost out) (i may have paused to finish it) ive fried my brain over my years of living so im not sure if ive included every band/artist ive seen (that worries me LOL) but its as accurate as its gonna get tbh. im basing my personal venue goings off of the shirts that are *mine* since i have a shitload of hand-me-downs from my parents (and a few from my brother) from being shrunk in the wash. i gotta gather all my shirts up to make a shrine for them because i love them so much, they all mean so much to me, for good or bad, as i struggled for YEARS trying to appeal to my mom that i was capable of being "feminine." literally fuck off with that mindset though, im who i want to be now, and that is confusing to those who dont know me! im unrecognizable to who i used to be growing up and i fucking love that for me. my mom doesnt really like who i really am and i can tell, but that only adds fuel to my fire. shockingly my dad doesnt really give a shit as long as im happy, hes happy and im so fucking grateful for that. hes cool with me being me while my mom struggles with the fact that I Am Not Feminine In Like The Slightest. its quite infuriating to try to get through to her about bullshit she LOVES to double down on. its a never ending battle of talking to a brick wall but i can deal with it. ive been an adult for a few years now, a few months after my 18th i chopped all my hair off and it was one of the most liberating experiences ive ever had in my entire life. i never thought i would do it but i did it and i am so fucking glad i did. i wasnt *me* back then. for almost my entire life i was trying my best to appeal to my mom, to try to make her see that i was the child she had dreamed of, that i was exactly what she wanted when i never really was. it breaks my heart realizing i will never be what she wants me to be, but on the other hand its almost liberating to know that. no one is in control of my life except for me, and to whoever might be reading this, no one is in control of YOUR life except for YOU. i let my mom, for very important years of my life, secretly control what i did, how i dressed, and how i acted and it fucked me up a LOT. i broke that cycle when i moved into living with my dad full time and i will never regret that choice. i still have my struggles but i get by alright, living in a perma-closet situation sucks but it beats presenting entirely "feminine" (i REEEAALLLY hate identity-type labels) im gonna go play my bass so i wont be so angry about my problems

[9.17.24] [morning coffee #2] - im having a slower morning today on purpose, i wanna jump right into coding but i realized when i woke up i havent been eating that much food recently, for some reason i get random waves of having absolutely no appetite at all and it lasts for multiple days at a time. i feel like this last wave is finally starting to end so im gonna find something to munch on in a bit

[9.16.24] [beatboxes go hard, i go on about concerts and venue shirts] - ive had a pretty good day today, i had a scare with my busted ass code (all my fault but i literally dont know what went wrong LOL) so i just ripped from what i knew already worked (my music page) and filled in the areas with my about me and blog stuff LOL, and thank god it worked. good lird i was STRESSING, but its all good :) i just gotta review my code way better before putting it into neocities, i thought i was doing a good job but i got some work to do lol. apart from that its been a good day, i was able to visit some family i havent seen in a while so it was great to be able to catch up and bullshit with them. we stopped for random treats on the way home and i impulsively bought a couple beatbox drinks, which after not drinking for a while, go incredibly hard ^_^ im doing reeeall good now, im gonna be working on some more updates to this place because theres still a buncha stuff i wanna add. like more art and animation stuff duh, but ive never made shrines or anything cool like that before and i think my concert shirts can be a shrine of mine in a way! i love them all to bits, some of them are hand-me-downs from being shrunk in the wash and some are my own that i picked out myself (as a kid LOL) ive been going to rock shows since i was 10, in this moment was in the lineup for my first show ever (im sure Maria Brink did irreversable damage to my head in a good way) the last rock show i went to was a seether show :) 10 years was also in the lineup so i had a fucking BLAST!!! all this band talk got me wanting to add a "bands ive seen" list to my homepage or something :) i got so many ideas but i dont trust myself to code while drunk LMAO

[9.16.24] [morning coffee #1] - woke up a bit late today for reasons i wont disclose lol, but i took a shower before settling in for some tech nonsense. i got my coffee and im ready to kick some fucking ass!! im actually ready to kinda just sit around and chill, whenever i have plans set up with other people i usually end up not doing much but waiting for the event to happen. thats probably not a good thing though, and im hoping that this can help me get out of that rut and keep me productive in some way. i guess i get too antsy and excited for whatever plan to happen that i just wait for it to happen, especially since we get to visit some family members we rarely see today!! im super excited to see them :) its not until waaayy later in the day so im trying to come up with something to fill the time and distract myself, i usually dont do a good job though lol

[9.15.24] [um this one is kinda heavy] - at least once a day im reminded of the fact that i was briefly stalked by who would end up being my ex (code letter B) and it makes me lock up and shiver. my palms always start sweating too like they are as i type this blegh. i dont think very highly of myself so that leads me to being naive and "seeing the better in people" which i guess is what led me to having my kindness being taken advantage of at my previous job :/ ill forever be grateful for my coworker at the time, he had my back and let me know what B was doing when i wasnt there. i very luckily walk Very Fast (its in my nature, the "this website is gay" badge is there for a reason) so i was able to avoid all the times B apparently tried to intercept me leaving work (!?!?!??! who the fuck does that honestly) B had my routes in and out of work fucking memorized it was terrifying to LEARN THAT RIGHT FROM THE SOURCE (B was like.. proud of it..) fucking freaky. it makes me feel sick remembering all that and thinking about how things wouldve played out if it werent for my coworker, he really saved my ass lol. and every time im reminded of everything im kinda just forced to sit and reflect on it all, im trying not to but i cannot help but think about it. im glad i have this though, everything ive been through makes it all the more hard to open up to anyone so throwing it anonymously on a page that i control at least allows me the option to be heard (maybe) its just nice to have my own void to bicker into to feel a little better

[9.15.24] [bass blisters and jailbreaking] - my bass playing was cut short against my will because i got a blister on one of my fingers >:( i need some liquid skin or superglue lol (theyre essentially the same thing) so ive instead opted to try to jailbreak my old iphone because fuck you apple, i should be able to do whatever i want to the product i purchased!! so i put linux on my old equally shitty laptop and now its doing Linux Things to downgrade my phone for jailbreaking >:) and just like with coding, i have no idea whats actually going on, i am simply having fun watching words in a box do whimsical computer magic

[9.15.24] [still excited about the update working] - holy shit im still so happy that everything worked and nothing broke good lird i was stressing. my favorite page has gotta be my music page, im just as passionate about music as i am about art as both have unironically saved my life several times lol, so im really hoping i find the courage to reach out to other musicians to see if i can make some new friends and possibly start a band :o if i cant/dont get the courage to i have a backup plan: suffer and learn how to play guitar and how to use LMMS T-T my hand is nearly forced to learn guitar since i can NEVER find bass tabs for my favorite songs >:( i luckily found an electric guitar while thrifting!! i got it while i was working my first job (before i knew about the workers rights violations going on) so it was a celebration-type impulsive purchase, worth it for 80 bucks! i have an acoustic guitar that my brother gave me but its missing its high E lol (ive been meaning to restring both guitars) (and perhaps my bass) but i much prefer playing bass since i got dumb hands like fry from futurama, and my brother plays guitar so ive been trying to learn the songs he plays so we can play together (he fucking hates green day (HOW) and i dont listen to metallica as much as he does) all this bass talk got me wanting to go play though :D so im gonna go smoke a bit and fuck around with my bass :)

[9.15.24] [holy shit the update worked] - oh my god it worked nothing broke i can die happy now (im no webmaster, calling me that would be an insult to real webmasters LMFAO)

[9.15.24] [complaining about job hunting] - i wouldnt wish job hunting on my worst enemy bro, i applied to some grocery stores and to a weed farm (weed farm PLEASE i beg you thatd be so sick PLEASE) because my net worth is a collective $94 and im fond of having money to spend on the shit im addicted to LMAO. my vape juice fucking sucks since i had to resort to my gross emergency stash (i collect the juice from my burnt pods/empty bottles to have said emergency stash PLEASE NEVER develop a nicotine addiction.) at first it tasted like a hint of mango with a menthol aftertaste but now its just gross with a menthol aftertaste. ive had way worse flavors before so i can deal with this, i should have enough to last by the time i hopefully find a new job but my birdies need treats and more food soon so all the money i have rn is dedicated to keeping my lil friends happy and healthy

[9.15.24] [up being scared] - im too scared to update everything LOL what if it gets all fucked up somehow like it did before >:( it all looks perfectly fine being edited so i wonder if i put my css in neocities first and just let it kinda marinate for a while if that'll work?? i hope it does and i hope when i do get around to updating it that its not the script on my music page, its literally ripped from w3schools because im big dum dum so its safe. if i have to redesign that page if it ends up being busted because of the script, ill go insane (that means ill probably leave for another few days to mellow out) but coding bullshit aside, i finally heard from some family members i havent heard from in a while last night, so that was really nice :) we should be visiting them soon but nothings ever set in stone, im always keeping my fingers crossed though

[9.14.24] [getting my motivation back] - all day today ive been going back and forth between tinkering with my site and doing other shit irl (like contemplating getting drinks and reading job rejection emails lol) but ive slowly felt better as this day has gone by. i probably needed the break, the dumbest shit gets into my head and fucks with it bad, but ill be okay. its nice to have my own little corner of the web to scream into but itd be nice to be able to be heard yknow.. i just find it so hard to open up to people these days. well anyway, ive been working on an update and im terrified to put it out because the last time i tried it didnt work and was all busted (despite it being perfectly fine in my editor?? i triple check everything before putting into neocities so im scared its the script on my music page) but ive also heard it can sometimes take a while for your sites css to update?? so maybe it was that and i just freaked out for no reason, i freak out over everything though lol. i just hope when i gain the courage to update it i at least have the patience to make sure if its my fault or if its just taking a bit

[9.14.24] [first entry] - ive been so frustrated trying to build this place (and trying to find a job irl grrr), im trying my best to keep my head up and prevail but its just so damn hard lol. especially when i cant help but compare my site to all the other sites ive seen and go :( I KNOW ITS NOT GOOD im trying to beat it, but its hard man. ive been battling my perfectionism this entire time but sometimes it just takes me taking a break and reflecting on what the old web actually stands for, which is imperfectionism. the inate beauty of something created by a struggling humans hands. thats what helps me keep going, the reminder in the back of my head that we cannot let the web lose its human touch. its always tough learning something new but it beats not doing anything at all, plus ive interacted with some really nice people so i hope that ball keeps rolling to hopefully lead to making some new friends :)